things are alot different now. i dont talk to or hang out with as many people as i used to. ive noticed that the friends i used to be close with in the past are beginning to drift away. but why? is it because ive grown up? because ive changed whats important to me? because ive become a different person?
in the past i was always into hanging out with a lot of people and making new friends all the time. i remember i used to talk to so many people. it was fun dont get me wrong but lately i feel like what was the use of all that? why did i feel like it was so important to meet and hang out with as many people as i can? all the people i used to talk to have just become annoying and not really worth my time... i really just dont care anymore....
also,i used to feel like it was important for everyone to like me. i always had to make a good impression when i met someone new. changed how i presented myself and became someone i thought that everyone would like and never show the real me. but now i realize that i dont really care what people think of me. im tired of what people have to say about me, of people that use me for something, and tired of always catering to them because i worry about how theyre feeling but never have any consideration for me. so ive gotten rid of all that.
nowadays ive been comfortable with just talking to close friends on a regular basis. but even then there are times when my close friends have done things that make me question our friendships.. even with my close friends ive felt scared to open up and put up a front because i dont want them to think im weak. but now i been slowly opening up and showing them how i really am the way they react to it will show me what kind of person they really are.
people used to say that ive changed so much lately. i used to take it as a bad thing.. but now i embrace it. yeah i changed.. but for the better. its part of growing up. getting rid of everything in the past and hanging on to positive people that can better myself..
fail big and stick around
make them wonder why your still smiling
ive been putting my life on pause.. i guess ever since i got out of school, but for what? what was i waiting for? i dont really know what it is but i feel like there is something missing in my life right now. sounds cliche right?
im so jealous of my old friends right now.. when i ask them how they been lately and they tell me how everythings been going amazing since we've graduated. i know i should be happy for them but sometimes i cant even sit and listen to it. heather just had a hella cute baby girl. im soo happy for her and her boyfriend. shannon is getting married by the end of this month. i cant even believe it but im excited for her im glad shes found someone to be with. pamela moved in with her boyfriend thats shes been with since our sophomore year..
and what about me? i guess i have no right to complain since i did this to myself. i was the one that stopped attending art institute and been putting off going back to school because i dont wanna be any more of a burden to my parents. ive been trying to look for a job but its just not as easy as everyone thinks.. no luck at all.
lately i been tryna get my life back on track. i hate it tho how people think im not even doing nothing with my life and talk down on me and shit.. makes me wanna fuck their face up .. iono they just dont know my situation right now so fuck them.
actually there still is one really good thing in my life...
lol thats a pic he wanted to show me of something he made... hes such a dork
hes moody, always giving me attitude, extremely indecisive, and one of the most difficult people to understand. u can say hes anything but perfect... but then again hes the one i think of all day. hes in everything i say. i cant sleep at night cause i juss think about how happy he makes me, and when i do sleep i have the sweetest dreams about him. so even tho hes anything but perfect.. he mustve done something right
ive known matt for 3 months and we been in this relationship for 1 month since yesterday. even tho we've had our ups and downs im still happy im with him.
honestly, knowing his history of relationships im surprised that we're still in this for this long and i have a feeling this is not even close to being it for us. he made me hella happy when he was like "you're the only guy that ive liked and stayed interested in for this long" haha.
last night i asked him "why me? of all the guys you've talked to why did u pick me?" he said "because u made me happy. u gave me that warm feeling that u can only get from being really happy.."
even tho so many people have been on my case about dropping him cause "i can do better" im not going to because theyre wrong. theres something bout him thats got me intrigued.
i feel like im really starting to fall for him... but it scares me...
Don't settle for the one you wanna be with ,
Settle for the one you can't be without.
so my bro was hella talkin bout his stupid vans tellin me how much cooler they are than mines. HAHA not even. anyways i was like "i guess u can rock ur big duck feet. but i kno somethin wayy better than ur stupid Vans and sexier than them Dunks" haha he didnt believe me till i showed him a pair of Supra Skytops. hella feelin the Gold Skytops and the Silver ones and the crazy Aoki Strapped. MMMMM yummmy hahaha
haha what a dork tho. but its ok i love it haha :)
the thing is that im kind of scared about being official. all this time i been questioning him but ..am I really ready for this? this would be my first long distance relationship..idk we'll see...no matter what i'll make it work. cause i really think its worth it.
so anyways i was juss watching this show. and it got me thinking.
in the show the girl has a bf but she bumped into her first love. the thing with them is that even tho they arent together they know that they will always have a place in their heart for each other but since she has a current bf she dreads the day her ex will bring up the past.. and getting back together. ofcourse her current bf is jealous of him and he breaks up with her.
this got me thinking.. what would i do in that situation?
im such a jealous person that sometimes im jealous if my babe talks to his friends more than me haha, but the thing about that situation was that it was her first love. i think that if that situation ever came to me.. id let the person go but not because of hate but because how can u compete with a first love? thats the person that you will always be compared to and no matter that person will always have a place in their heart. so even tho they tell themselves that theyre over him/her once they start seeing each other all their past feelings will rush back. if i ever wanna be in love.. i want the person to give me their whole heart.. and not juss half of it.